Hero's Journey

  I love to listen to podcasts and recently I just listened to a super soul Sunday podcast,  I can't remember who the guest speaker was. I just know her words touched my soul.

   She described that in life we all have a soul journey, a patch we know deep in our souls to be ours and ours only to fulfill. At times we get so distracted with everyday life and shiny objects, that this soul quest, either gets drawn under layers and layers of baggage we carry unconsciously or at times gets shut down by us due to fear.

   She describes that every Hero (person) gets his/her calling and at first, is hesitant. Once the quest is accepted, the hero then must surrender to the journey, which is tough, carries trials and tests us to our very existence, but brings us to life and connects us deeply with the source (divine, the universe, God) as well as our TRUTH.

   Honestly, when I look at the first 30 years of my life, I feel as though I was constantly asleep and going through motions. making sure I didn't upset anyone, that I crossed all items on my checklist perfectly, met every expectation anyone could have of me. I also told myself, that that was it. My worth was directly connected to my ability to do it all, and with a smile on my face. Just thinking about it makes me weep for that person, that girl that worked so hard to please everyone, but that still felt like an impostor at the end of the day.

    I remember thinking, everyone thinks I'm so great if they only knew that all this is not real. That I myself, don't buy it. That sooner or later they too will see the real me. Scared, afraid of failure, rejection, getting hurt. Trying so desperately do more and more in order to belong.

   Even today almost 4 years into this crazy awakening/seeking my truth/hero's journey I still feel lost. I can see more clearly, much more than I could before, and I am able to identify this scary feeling that daunts me every time I am left in silence, or alone with my thoughts. It makes me want to run, and hide. But instead, I sit here and pray that my ING, (soul, higher self, the universe, God) can help me to stay, even if it hurts and I am not 100% sure why or how to fix it.

   Earlier today, as this daunting feeling crept in, I found myself, as usual, running to the kitchen and looking at the pantry and fridge for remedy. I am today, wise enough to know that my body is not hungry. But that I am desperately trying to fill a hole. As I grabbed a sandwich and stuffed my face, I thought "God, why do I keep doing this? Why can't I just get my shit together?". A sense of calm surrounded me and I heard, "Patience, you are doing this. Focus on what brings you joy. Try new things. Don't worry about the mistakes and old habits right now. Focus on the new and exciting, as they will eventually replace the old."

   I felt the immediate need to write this down, as though by doing so I am making this real. The journey will not look pretty and feel great all the time. the only way we learn and grow is through experience. Don't be ashamed of who you are, today or even yesterday. You are Perfect, you are loved. There is absolutely nothing you could do, that would take away the Divine's love. Embrace yourself completely.