One

   I am not a writer in any shape or form, but lately this burning sensation keeps me yearning to just stop the thousand voices in my head telling me I could never... and just do it. So here it is.

I have lived many lives, even though I am only on my mid thirties. I have lived the perfect daughter/student/helper/sister/friend life. Where I truly believed my life/family was perfect, and the times where I didn't feel like it was, it was just me being "bad". Then I lived the life of discovery, braving into a new place, leaving the family and comfort behind. Ready to put on my big girl panties and face the world. Then  there was the "Holy crap what did I get myself into" life. A life of questioning why in the heck I married him, why would I have left the perfect life I had for this one? A life of disconnect.

   And lastly there is the "Momma life", a life I was terrified of., because I believed in my core I was not cut out for it. How could I be cut our for it when I didn't have patience? When I had a strong  personality? I mean how could I dare?

God, The Divine, The Universe, call it what you will, had other plans, and I was presented with a baby boy. I am not going to lie, I was terrified and the best way I could describe my first year as a mom was bliss and hell. I love my child with every particle of my being, but his mission on this earth for me, was to wake me up. To get me out of the perfect imitation of life I had been living for 30+ years.

   I never questioned anything, I believed so many lies. And those lies they hunt me, they were like a playback in my mind 24/7. "you are bad", "you are fat", "you are ugly", You are not smart enough", "you are not cool enough", " You can't do anything right", "You are not good enough". I was used to them, in fact I could not separate those voices from myself.

   My child, my little mirror, came in to slap it right across my face all that I failed to see the first 30 years of my life, and he was not taking no for an answer. This process, has opened me up to question everything, to allow myself to feel things I once thought I couldn't feel. To admit to myself fears, and fake versions of truth I told myself over and over again.

Fast forward 4 years, and today I am here in my quest for authenticity. To find my own truth, to shed these layers of a distorted reality that are not my own. To shed these expectations that were placed upon me and I  have carried for so long. I have found in these 4 years, that my personal legend is to live my live 100% in truth, present in the now. And at in some point help others do the same by example. This is hard for me, you see I am a master of living the perfect imitation of life. Living 100% in truth triggers every fear in me.

This blog is not to seek popularity in readers, it is to simply organize my thoughts out loud. And if someone can relate to it, great!